Impossible. Love hurts. Love will hurt.
THIS LAUGH… OHMG.. My heart fills my chest as though it might break from the joy of loving so completely — this tender heart of mine that will cringe at every nick, bruise, busted limb, skinned knee, fall, fear, worry, upset, inconsolable cry, and concern for this child... And the existential reality that I can love him but can not possess or protect him from what he must go through himself as he learns that love hurts and grows into the healthy person he is becoming, and the hardest truth that I must surrender to, as hard as it is, that I have to let him go little by little, while staying 100% connected to my heart and him…this is real.
I used to say that it was wrong to think that children have to cut themselves off from their parents — separate to individuate — as though interconnection stops at some point in order for a young person to find him/her/their selves. I still hold strong to the belief that individuation takes place within the complex reality that we humans are forever and always interconnected with everyone and everything — forever part of the web of life and that is what grounds us. I believe children brought up to feel and know that they are forever and always held in this interconnected web of life not only helps them differentiate and individuate but also find and found themselves as human beings who belong and that this belonging can not ever be broken. It is the truth that helps us make it through every experience in the “dire beauty,” as Caroline Casey says, of life.
An old boyfriend told me while I was crying to him once about feeling alone, “You have 10 billion bacteria on your eyelid, you are never alone.” Actually, that made me feel better. Another old boyfriend, one who I am most proud to say taught me a great deal about physics, Fritjof Capra, author of The Tao of Physics, also wrote a book called The Web of Life. He taught me that every “thing” in this life this world, this universe and all the other universes is held together in an interconnected network. Our friend, Merlin Sheldrake, authored Entangled Life, about fungi and the wood wide web. My heart understands this. And so, I know that I can hold my love for Wilder within this truth, and love him as completely as I do, just as I did my daughters when they were born, and that it will stretch to let him go as he grows into himself.
There came a point early on where I realized that I could lose myself mothering my daughters. But I would lose myself. I am getting an inkling of the same truth about Wilder.
I am beginning to realize that I must continue to find joy and fulfillment as I have in my work again. Yes, my life has changed completely. I am going to be one of Wilder’s caregivers as his mama goes back to work in a few months. I have a new role as grandmother, which I love, but I need to remember to continue to live my own life, and not only keep my passions for my work just as alive as I did when I realized this truth as a mom, but hold my life with Eric as just as essential, and not abandon my friendships. You might think, how could she even want to abandon her friendships — but seriously, for the past two months and I imagine for a long time to come, there may not be anyone or anything that will give me more fulfillment than being a mother more potently again, and a grandmother to this amazingly beautiful child.
PS I have a limited edition of first print books still for sale at cockerpowerbook.com and will continue to write about my life as a rock and roll photographer, but I’ve had to take a break for a while as you all understand!
Here’s a nice recommendation from Fritjof!
“For those of us who identify with the cultural and political movements of “the sixties,” that period represents not so much a decade as a state of consciousness, characterized by transpersonal expansion, the questioning of authority, a sense of empowerment, and the experience of sensuous beauty and community. Rock music, psychedelic drugs, and freely shared sexuality were powerful bonds that strongly influenced the art and lifestyle of the counterculture. The magic, awe, and wonder that for many of us will forever be associated with the sixties is perfectly captured in Linda Wolf’s evocative photographs.” — Fritjof Capra, author of The Tao of Physics